Dr. Fruegal offers his advice on poopy matters and the cheapster’s stand on the five-finger discount.
Dear Sigmund,
I poop. A lot. And by a lot, I mean at least three times a day. My doctor says this is healthy and normal for me, since I eat a lot of fiber, coffee and Mexican food. However, since I’m always going number 2, my number 1 problem has become the toilet paper. I can go through an entire roll by myself in a matter of days. It’s becoming very expensive to buy TP all the time, I don’t know if I can afford the good, soft stuff anymore. Should I just drop down to the cheapest I can find, or start taking some from the bathroom at work?
Wiping Is Prohibitively Expensive
WIPE,
Your butt is definitely something you don’t want to get cheap with. Considering you 
go to the bathroom so much, buying the cheapest toilet paper you can find at the store, while relieving the pain your wallet feels, can still end up leaving you sore in the end. Since you are constantly wiping, you could hurt your very sensitive area if you’re using harder, rougher, cheaper paper. My suggestion? Buy in bulk. Check your local Costco, Sam’s Club, or other warehouse style store and buy there. Buying in bulk means lower costs per roll and fewer trips to the store, saving you gas money as well. In fact, on Costco.com right now you can buy 80 rolls of Angel Soft 2-ply for $67, which is less than $0.84/roll. If you really want to go crazy, you can buy a 12-pack of 1,000-foot giant rolls (you would need a special holder for these) for $97. That comes out to almost 124 feet of toilet paper per $1.
Alternatively, you can also get a bidet to install on your toilet. Yes, the idea of spraying water all over your nether regions may sound bizarre, but they are very popular in many countries across the globe and can save you tons of money in the long run since you would be using much less paper. All you would need to do is a preliminary wipe and then use the water to finish the job. And an installable bidet (assuming you don’t want to go out and buy a separate unit or a toilet with a built-in bidet) can be had for under $50. Not bad.
So, WIPE, it’s either bulk, bidet, or go around the neighborhood offering to clean up any houses that get TP’ed by the neighborhood hooligans. Take your pick.
Dear Sig-dawg,
I am incredibly cheap and one of my guilty pleasures is reading tabloid magazines. However, I hate having to pay for them and am tempted to snag one without paying. Some of my friends say that it’s okay to steal from big-name chain stores. These sorts of businesses rake in huge profits and stealing a $5 tabloid wouldn’t hurt them. Is the five-finger discount justifiable?
Too Cheap to Pay
TCTP,
Stop trying to give Cheapsters a bad name. Stealing is a crime, and you could punished if caught, so don’t do it. However, if you absolutely must get your hands on these magazines, there are a couple of options for the frugal.
If you have a favorite, you could always opt for the subscription. Typically, buying them on an issue-by-issue basis will always be more expensive than the per-issue rate of the yearly subscription. Plus, you get to have it delivered to your doorstep, which is a nice bonus.
Another option is to simply go to your local chain bookstore and read the rags there. Buy a coffee or a danish, sit at a table and spend the day flipping through the mags. It’s likely no one will really care that you’re reading the mags without buying any, especially since you at least paid for the coffee. However, if someone says it’s a store not a library, politely put the magazine down, leave, and immediately head to your local library! A lot of libraries have fairly robust magazine sections in them now, and while you might not be able to take them home with you, at least nobody will hassle you for not buying anything.
These legal avenues ought to help you get your fix of your guilty pleasure. Now, please, don’t start going around to doctor’s offices to steal their Us Weeklies, OK?
Quibbling over a cheapsters-related matter? Want some tips on how to get the most bang for your buck? Then shoot Sigmund Freugal an e-mail at: Freugal[at]cheapsters[dot]org.
